so the saying goes..

"If you love something let it go, if it comes back love it forever."

He always comes back.
I'll keep letting go til you're ready to hold on.

this is another drunken post.

Lets just say I'm happy.

I'll always save you.
My best friend will always help me. I'll always help her. "In all this chaos we found safety." Love is.. Love is being there. Love is understanding.

oh so typical.

My skin won't stop peeling, metaphorically and physically.
I got burned bad last week for being stupid and tanning twice ine one day. I got burned the last year of my life for being stupid too. Now I'm shedding my skin of it all. Underneath all the damage my skin is new and clean, free of fingerprints I never thought would leave.

I live in metaphors.

the new me

At work my favorite chef has been referring to me as "new Mady." I like that, a lot. I really do feel like since last year I've become a new person, and it's not just the hair. New Mady doesn't take shit from anyone, new Mady is one of the best damn servers at Wasabi, I'm motivated, I don't concern myself with things I can't have, I'm selfish when I should be, selfless when I should be, I'm happy.. about the right things. My life is so simple now, and I only keep pushing for simplicity. I don't want complication or altercations or frustration. I like a clean house, a clean concious, and for everything to feel in sync.

My best friend is home in one week. I couldn't be happier.

I traded my skin for cheap sex and tattoos.

Why I keep trying to give people chances is beyond me. For one minute, I felt like this was genuine, I let that minute take me over. I guess I thought:
I've done nothing but look past this kid, doubt him, have no trust in him, expect nothing from him, play games with him, ditch him, listen to all the trash talk.. But maybe I was wrong. Maybe it's the person you least expect who will sweep you off your feet. Maybe we could prove them all wrong. Maybe I'm what he needs. Maybe if he really wants me to be his girlfriend, then maybe he's legit. Maybe, I could be happy. Maybe, maybe I should give him a chance. Yes all this went through my head, and in that minute, I said yes.

All those thoughts are haunting me now.

Maybe, there's no such thing as maybe. Just reality, and it only took me two days to fall back to it. So much for proving them wrong, you proved them all right. You say you wanna change? Well stop running from your problems between reno and minneapolis, No matter where you run, you'll keep running into yourself.

you are my sunshine.

I stopped caring about this blog a while ago. I've been uninspired. This weekend was great, and now I start working at wasabi again tomorrow, and I'm excited.

Friday was the AP Tour at Station 4 with Tiff. I drank way way too much on an empty stomach. This had its advantages and diadvantages.
Advantages.. Having no fear of talking to a certain boy in a certain band and ending up hanging out with him. Dance party. Making friends with Vito, who was the shit, free shorts, and I was able to tolerate that everyone was younger than me.
Disadvantages... not realizing how drunk I was til I got off the bus, (thank god I wasn't that drunk ON the bus though) puking, vito holding my hair back, yelling things, puking, more puking, tiff filming me, puking at every stop light, passing out in tiff's bathroom.
The ending was a bummer. But it could have been a lot worse. Pretty sure tiff and vito were the only ones that witnessed my downfall. Either way, whatever, I rarely get sick drunk. Everyone has their night. I'm aloud one every 3 months.
Saturday was This Providence and Copeland at The Varsity (which just got remodeled & is sooo sick). I was so hungover though that I fell asleep before the show and was late. Missed half of TP's set.. But parked in front, ran in, moved straight to the front in time for 'sand in your shoes' acoustic. Score. Love them.. But for whatever reason the crowd was so unresponsive. Everyone was just standing there, awkward.
Same deal for Copeland, so I just walked right to front and center again. It was like no one even cared, so weird. It's fucking Copeland!? I felt like I was the only person even singing.. I don't get it. But I enjoyed the set. Mostly new songs, and no California :( but I mean really, I can't complain, it's Copeland, it was free, I was like 5 feet from aaron. Plus, 'brightest' and 'testing the strong ones' were the encore songs. Amazing.
After the show was over, I said some hello's, talked to d.blaise for a hot minute and just headed to Joe's.. Where he caught me completely off guard and asked me to be his girlfriend.

Andddd that's the story so far.

=)

the death of me

Everytime I seem to tell myself 'I've never felt so lost..' I always seem to top it the next year. As much as I love being a lost soul, sometimes I just want to feel found.
I can't wait until it gets warmer out, everything seems better when the sun shines. Even if it isn't. Margot is coming home next month, I guess that's the one thing I have to look forward to. And Joe gets home tomorrow, I'm excited about that. He's truly one of the few genuine people I know.
I've been emailing a lot with my step-ex-grandma (yea wrap your head around that) from San Diego. She's always been a push my whole life to do things right, so far I've done everything wrong. She wants to help me out, that's nice because my parents really don't give a shit about me anymore. If I can't pull my act together by summer I'm going to move with her. It won't be for my happiness, I love minneapolis, it will be to get my life in line. I know she will make me go to school and not get drunk 5 nights a week.
I woke up Monday morning and didn't know where the whole last week of my life went.. That's when I knew shit wasn't okay. Went to Wisconsin for the day, my sister makes me feel better always. Just being with her, she doesn't have to do anything.. She's me 5 years ago. She's still naiive.

Fml.

Lost Notes.

I was skimming through the notes on my sidekick and I found some I forgot about. Decided I would post them on here for the world to see instead of just me.
Sometimes I just write what's in my head.. or a quote(s) that I want to remember because they meant a lot.. or just something little that happens and I know I'll forget. Enjoy.


8.27.08
If someone were to ask me, what kind of girl are you? I would tell them I'm the kind of girl that goes through yellow lights, stays up til 5am more often than not, takes chances just cause there's nothing else to take, breaks hearts, but is usually the one broken, wants what she can't have, moves too fast but always late. Fashionable and cliche, smart when I wanna be, follows rules, but only the ones I believe in. I love the feeling of missing someone, almost as much as I love being missed. I don't give in or give up on something I believe is worth it. Words are everything to me but I can only write the ones I mean, never speak them. I like to make plans, even though I never keep them.. Plans are only an outline of what will really play out. I don't fall in love easy, lust is a different story. I've been in love twice. I hate them both for making me feel that way.

9.24.08
I don't believe that heartbreak is the most unfortunate thing that could happen to me right now, getting my car towed would be far worse.

10.28.08
I always want to be great for him. Isn't that what it's all about, finding someone that makes you want to be better?

2.26.07
There's faces and numbers and voices you'll always remember. There are times of day and places that will always feel right. The way you walk will never change and the way you sleep it's all out of habbitt. It's the things that will go away that I already miss. The way you call me even though you know I'll be asleep, you know there's a 50/50 chance of me rolling over and answering. The way you ask me for help with everything, like I'm some incredible life that can fix everything. Honestly, it's everything, I'd miss every inch of your skin, every flaw, every inch of you.

6.6.08
A homeless man sat next to me, he surprised me a little. He looked at me, I couldn't see his eyes through his sunglasses, he just said, "sometimes I wonder." Sometimes I wonder too, but I guess I didn't feel the need to tell strangers. Someday I'll be at that point, because someday my friends will be tired of listening. See, I have the kind of friends that fade with the seasons.

3.8.09
Me: "Is it best to settle or kill yourself trying to get what you'll never have?"
Jack: "I don't know. But don't settle. Never settle."
Me: "Is it terrible that I'm only happy not being happy with him?"
Jack: "Well, you'll never be happy with out him."

for the thrill of the fall.

Living on Lebanese salad, and my room is such a mess, I've been reading more, sleeping less, staying awake fighting the truth, rain turns back to snow. Lacking a best friend and somewhere to place my affection. I need sunshine, I need a tan, I need to forget him, snow turns back to rain.

I want to get on a plane to Arizona and put all your belongings in your car and make you drive home, only stopping for cigarettes and vitamin water.

This awkward gray area of seasons has got me down. It's the third cloudy day in a row, it always gets me.

the positives.

I'm working on the good things. I may only have 10 bucks in my wallet, but I absolutely have to stay positive if I'm going to stay standing.

My new job is neat. It's not great, it's not glamorous, but it's a job. I get to learn how to make tons of cool lebanese food that I'd never have a clue about. I've mastered cutting gyro meat now! Woo! I'm forced to try something new everyday. Zakia is the cutest little old lady in the world, and she speaks French and smiles a lot. I wish my two years of French would come back to me. As of now I'm working everyday 9am-230, which is good because that's steady. Once I'm done training I'll surely lose hours though, so I just need to get my hands on a second job.

I really want to make a plan, find a path, and get on it. Lanette and I need to have a talk, I want to stay there for the summer again and work with her. From there I want to really work on building connections and job shadowing everything she does. This often involves conference calls on the deck with cigarettes and white wine, the best. After that I can either take that experience back home or stay there depending on how things are going and go to community college and get a degree to fall back on.. But I don't need a degree to work in music mgmt.. Sooo we'll see if I need it. I might be just lucky enough to do it with connections, which equals interning for big names, which means more than a degree. I kind of like that I know what I need to do and I don't need to rush. I'm 20 I can't start a career yet anyways.

My mom just called me for guy advice, shouldn't it be the other way around? I thought it was funny. She always calls me and lanette because "we always know what to say." Though this is true, I can always tell someone else what to say, I can't do it myself. It's a curse.

An Actual Update

I'm going to update mostly just to remind me of the last week of events.

Last Thursday marked the start of "Spring Break Yo'Self 09". For a recap on why some events in '09 seem to feel like deja vu I will refresh your memories quick.. Last year, the whole month of Feb up until Spring Break 08, myself and Michael hated each other. Like couldn't stand the sight, "perma-banned" from his house. I moved on, I dated or had whatever with Andrew from the higher for a hot minute, (just like I had whatever with Jordan this year, weird right?) and then at their show at the varsity (first day of spring break) Mike was there. He was black out drunk and invited Andrew and I over to his house. After Andrew left for tour Mike and I got back together.. urr whatever (it gets really complicated that we have no title) and we spent the entire Spring Break 08 together. I only went home to shower and grab clothes. We also spent everyday drunk with Jack doing fucking sweet things everyday. Long story short, it resulted in getting us back into our thing and a lot of fun. It needed to be repeated. I make my own time machines.

SO.. Thursday- It was my wonderful close friend Ryan Waggoner's 20th birthday. I went to his apartment, where I hope to reside next year! We had tequila and orange juice and talked about things. Then Kathryn met up with us and we went over to Mike and Jack's and a lot of people were over. I drank a good portion of cheap wine, some of Mike's snowboard friends got in a fight with Poitras which resulted in them leaving and a very upset Mike. He was extremely pissed, so we talked and everything seemed fine until he drunkenly decided that since he was in a bad mood I had to be too. He starts trying to make me feel like shit, it works, I get upset, we fight, blah blah, we yell, we talk, we make up, we sleep.

Friday- Woke up bright and early, drove home and cleaned my house. Went to pick up applications and talk to managers at a couple places by my house. Had a partial interview at psycho Suzy's. Relaxed. Kathryn came over, we ran and got booze at 9:57 and made it! Went to pick up Jack in St Paul, then to Carly and Elsa's City of Sound after party. It was so packed and I got to see a lot of faces I missed. I drank more gin than expected, went back to Jack and Mike's and slept there.

Saturday- Woke up early again! Went to the mall and got something to wear to the show. Went home and showered and got pretty, then I went to pick up Tiff and Poitras. Poitras had a very happy happy hour, and was passed out on his couch, that was great. (black out friend at a show again?)Had to drag him out the door to get to the fallout. I wasn't sure if the show would be awkward with Jordan because this was after I just decided he was no longer worth my time. I got to see Tom! And that made me happy, maybe if Jordan would have been half as much fun as his best friend he would still be around, ouch. The show was fun, besides Poitras passing out on the couch. I went to pick up Madison after Blue Ox played and we drank Carlo straight from the jug with Tiff, because we are classy. The Goodbye Sound really impressed me, and wow Tyler, that's all I have to say about that. haha. My My Misfire sounded good up until the last song, which go figure is also their best song. It just lacked in every area, sorry boys. Practice makes perfect, if you ever did. Immediately after the show we headed to the party back at Jack and Mikes, already a ton of people so I wasn't sure how I'd swing getting out of there for the other party. It was jam packed with everyone I know, then I left with Emily and Alex to go to the after party at Tony's house. And everyone else I knew that wasn't at Mike's was at that party. It sucked though, I didn't wanna be around Jordan and his trashy arm candy, or any of the trash that was there for that matter. So I finished my drink and went back to where I belong.

The party had multiplied by three when I got back and I was drunk. The night gets blurry around here, I think I hung out with Mike's high school friends for like two hours? I don't know where I was. Around 4am I started to realize that I didn't know anyone that was there and got concerned. We tried to start kicking people out and they just wouldn't leave. By 5am, the people left were super weird. Still wouldn't leave. Mike, I and Matt Brown had to sleep in the living room and the fucks would still not leave. Finally as I am trying to sleep this kid starts shit with me, I snap and scream at him and Matt starts yelling too at everyone else to get the fuck out.. this starts a fight between two of the random dudes for some reason. Random dude 1 hits random dude 2 in the face, they fight, chocolate cake on the coffee table falls, beer bottles go everywhere.. I push everyone out the front door. Mike goes and sleeps upstairs leaving me and Matt to deal with this. I try to clean up, It's 6am I'm tired, drunk and pissed off at this point. The random people stay on the porch talking still, Matt and I are scared to go to bed, so finally Matt went and yelled at them and they left, at 630am!! It was so frustrating, and poor little Matt had to work at 9am.
Sunday- I slept til like 1 or so. Then I woke up and went to The Beat with Kathan, Kevin, and Mike. I got iced tea and ordered free Caffrey's thanks to bff. I learned how to play avatar then Mike and I walked back. We cleaned up the house a little bit, but it's still trashed. Then I tried to lay down and watched Scarface with Jack and fell asleep. When I woke up Jamie was over and her and Mike were making vegan soup in the crock pot. I watched them play avatar, ate more free Caffrey's then the boys went to the CC Club and I went home for a shower. I was wide awake after this so I went back to the house, ate soup and drank the rest of my gin and played avatar with Mike until 7am. yup, like over 3hrs straight up of just drinking and avatar, it ruled. When we realized it was 7am we also realized the sun was coming up and it's impossible to fall asleep when it's light out in his room.. so we locked ourselves in the vip bathroom and slept on the couch in there. It sounds weird but, it was really cute actually.

Monday- We slept until forever but when we woke up it was beautiful out. Mike went to work and Jack and I went to Calhoun Square, hit up the bank, the roof top of Stella's, Heartbreaker, then Mike called and said he got sent home from work. We went to The Independent for happy hour then to American Apparel and Lund's. Decided we were going to have a grill out and went to the wedge.. around this time we started getting strange texts about a party at their house that night. None of us had any idea, turns out the power of Poitras' twitter is exceptional. Tried to cancel and failed. Sean and Madison came over and grilled dinner with Mike and I, then we left to ditch the party. Ended up going to his friends from Japanese class house where I watched them bake a vegan dish and then vegan chocolate cupcakes with coconut frosting. Amazing. After that we devised a plan that if there was still a party going on we'd sneak straight to the room with the jug of wine and play avatar in solitude for the rest of the night. Luckily we arrived at an empty house, but still played avatar until we were sleepy.


Tuesday- By today my body had just had it. I've been drunk or consumed alcohol every night since Thursday. I wanted nothing more than to take it easy, but I awoke to realize it was St Patrick's Day, I now felt obligated to get drunk. Then I couldn't even find anything worth doing, I have this problem a lot on Tuesday's thanks to The Triple Rock. I ended up just going over to Tiff's with Madison and drank some wine, then I went over to Ryan's and we watched Gossip Girl until he was tired. Then went home and I'm going to sleep in my own bed for the first time in almost a week, I'm not excited about it, I hate my bed and I hate sleeping alone.


Basically, so far everything is panning out the way it did last year this time. Mike and I don't hate each other anymore and I am happy, and I don't care about what we "are" or "aren't" to other people, I still have the most fucking cool friends in the world and I'm extremely grateful.. and stilllll every other boy that comes my way proves himself no match for mike eames. sorry boys. Also, huuuuuge surprise this Friday. Stay posted for Friday nights events =)

I can't keep on without you.

I'm conflicted. It's complicated, I don't want to change, as predicted. Maybe that last post was only kidding myself after all. I'll never give up those old mittens, after all they are the ones that are always there for me, everyone else just disappears. I'm dumb for not realizing that's what I should have learned from that metaphor. I saw it but I was naiive to the fact that I can't move on, because I wanted to so bad.

I've learned the following in the past week... it only takes a month for me to destroy my pseudo relationship with someone, but I still can't completely ruin the one with Michael after a year? I'm trying to make sense of it. I guess as much as we want to, we can't give each other up. I've tried to ruin it though, oh and believe me he does too. Distance only makes the heart grow fonder, time only makes a relationship stronger. I suppose the only way in ever ending our stupid thing would be is if one of us fell in love with someone else, but it hasn't happened. I wouldn't mind if it did for him, I only want to see him happy. I'm not in the same place I've been with him in the past. This is different, I'm not expecting a single thing from him, he is my friend, I am his. We enjoy spending time together with our friends and we share a bed sometimes, I don't expect him to want to be with me again, I just know that I'm not happy with anyone else at this point in time.. and I'm not looking. If someone wanders along, well great, but I don't have time for it. I'm putting a wall up, closing my doors. I'll give my affection to him I'll kill my free time with friends, I'm alright with it.

We're like magnets, when there's no one between us we default to each other.

..this note lies by our sides each night, my last thoughts.

• Download-> A Rocket To the Moon- If Only They Knew

drunk posts rule

Everyone can relate to what I'm about to write about.

There's that moment, where you've had a fling with someone, and you just know it's over. Texts have become short, you see them and eye contact is minimal. You laugh and smile in hopes that they won't think you care. There was never an actual conversation that ended with 'it's over'. But you know it's over. What I'm talking about is that first party you're at together, but not "together". You stay in seperate rooms, you don't speak, you look at each other in the corner of your eye, wondering if they're looking at you too. Your friends are there and you're happy, but there's that empy feeling in the pit of your stomach. There's that feeling of rejection, of failure, that yet again it "just didn't work out." You wonder, that cute girl with big eyes, will it work out for her? You'll never know, because all you know is it's over.

I don't wait, I always just let it go.

This might sound weird, but it's a metaphor I had in my head all night in my freezing car, and it makes perfect sense to me.

So I have this old pair of mittens, there was already a small hole in between the thumb when I got them. I bought them half off because they were ripped, but they were cute, I wanted them anyways. Even though I'd known up front they'd cause me trouble and never be enough. I guess I never counted on them to last, but they were cheap and I needed mittens. The hole just kept ripping, then the other one ripped too. I threw them in my droor and bought new mittens. I've since gone on to buy multiple mittens, I always lose them. Either I lose both all together or there's just one, and they're deemed useless with out the other half. Until I find new ones I always go back to the ripped ones, why is it that I never lose those ones? They're the only mittens I've kept for so long, and they don't even keep me warm, it's been over a year since I got them.
What I'm about to say is specifically for someone, they may or may not ever read this. He may stumble on it one night late lurking, high and bored and maybe intrigued about the stupid shit I write in here..
What I want to say is, it's not the old ripped ones that I want. They don't keep me warm, they were cute at first and now they're just falling apart. It's not him that I want. They're just always there in the back of my droor when I need to be somewhat warm, they're better than nothing at all. It's new mittens that I want, that aren't torn from the start, that keep me warm on nights like these. It's you that I want and I don't want to lose you. I know that if I try hard enough I can find the part of you I lost and you can warm my hands again. I miss you and I'm sorry. I know now that it's you that I want, not something old that I already know will never work. I'd rather take all the chances in the world on you than any chance on him. I don't know where along the way I lost you but I'm not ready to just forget about it.

house of mirriors.

I'm in love with illusion so saw me in half. I'm in love with tricks so pull another rabitt out your hat.

I once knew this girl, and she was the most naiive girl I'd ever met. Now I'm not one to face reality with the most grace, but this girl was all falling pieces of false hope. Clumsy as a drunken school girl, tripping over the truth like it wasn't there. She always had someone to keep her on balance, to kick the truth under the rug and say, darling it's alright you look beautiful tonight. I'd try to leave bits of the truth on her phone some nights, but let's face it I'm far too scared to start fights. The girl continued to ignore all signs, smile and laugh like everything was fine. Living in a world where the bad guys were the good guys, where up was down and down was up, a drunken kiss was love. I can't tell someone their whole worlds a lie, how do you word that and sound polite?
The bad guys are really bad guys, they will never change, not for you and not for me. The things you heard weren't lies, the times you weren't there I heard it all, the ice is as slippery as it looks.. they have no friends but themselves for a good reason.
I feel terrible, I let you be the rug I swept all the lies beneath and watched them walk all over it. I'd go back now.. I'd never let you walk into a house of mirriors alone. I'd hold your hand and walk with you and tell you it's alright, you look beautiful tonight.

one more night

I hate how everyone has that person, and I hate that that person is you. I hate that I've moved on but not past it and I'm missing someone else too.

Arms and legs and our hair tangle and it feels less like a knot and more like a trap, and I'm caught. Fighting a fight I've already fought. Bricks on a sidewalk aligned, puzzle pieces I've been trying to find, a trap that is so perfectly intertwined. The album in your car plays tracks one through thirteen not missing a chord of our story. Perfectly recorded and re-recorded and replayed a million times. I don't have the energy anymore to do a thing but listen, I'm too tired to change anything, too exhausted to try anything new. Let's sleep a million years and hope someday soon you'll buy those curtains.

thoughts. memories. thank you's. IOU.

Everyones making promises they can't wait to break, and plans they'll never follow through on. I just want something real.

Something as real as an afternoon spent passing the results of everyones few bucks and quarters, around a back porch. Lofted above the city, trees in bloom, no shoes, and a carton of cigarettes from my mom. We'd stay there til the sun went down, and until it came up again. Sometimes we'd read, sometimes we'd listen, and sometimes we'd talk, but we didn't need to say a word. Everything, everyone was so unperfect that it made it perfect, in my eyes. Remember the nights where our biggest worry in the world was how we'd get to taco bell before close? 'We' was always different, but always the same. So many people were a part of it, but the same few faces were always staring back at me at the end of the night. We've all slurred the words to each other, but to all of you I'll say it again, I love you.


The people that have stood by me despite all my mistakes and bad choices. All my failed attempts at succeeding, my talk of ending it all, the times you've held my hand and told me things would get better. Those things mean the most, and rather you know it or not, have saved me from doing what I know you all know about. You've all saved me in one way or another.


The reason I got to thinking about all this is because I can sit and think about how bad things suck all I want.. But everything would be a whole lot worse if it were not for all of you. You've helped me learn and grow so much, (though clearly I have a lot more work to do to fix myself. I'm finally trying.) I honestly would not be alive with out you, I know that sounds dramatic, it is, and it's true. I feel like I have been letting you all drift away from me. It stops now, I won't let that happen. I won't let something so small, that seemed so big at one time, a boy, keep me from being with the people that I love. People that will accept you and love you unconditionally despite all your flaws and mistakes are not easy to come by. I just hope that you all know and appreciate that I love you back the same, no matter what, unconditional.


On my drive back home this morning, while thinking about this, I stared at my left forearm while I ashed my cigarette. Rescued. When I got the tattoo, I didn't have much of a sentimental meaning besides how much that song means to me, and wanting to even out my arms.. But I knew that at some point I would find a meaning. Not just any petty meaning, something I'd forever look at the print on my arm and know that it means more than a word, and more than a song I didn't write. I finally found it.
I don't need to go into depth about why, because the people this blog is for already know what's going on with me.. and though I like to publish my life for all you lurks, some things are better kept from your skimming eyes.

Because of Margot Hurwitz, Jack Mulkern, Andrew Poitras, Mike Eames, Madison Karpan, and Tiffany Conran I am rescued. Of course their are more people that have been there, but I consider you guys my closest, and to be the only people that "really" know me. Thanks for the summer, and fall, last winter and this one. Thanks for always being there, thanks for listening, thanks for being honest, but also thanks for lying when I needed it. Thanks for sharing your beds and keeping me warm, thanks for pushing me to do things I never would have. Thank you for always being able to make me smile and of course for all the times you've shared booze. I wouldn't be me with out you guys. No regrets. I'd do everything again.



(On another note: if you guys all read this today, call me when you do.. And I wanna do something tonight with all of you!)

her pride makes her hard to forget.

And pretty girls can shake the girls of sad boy's past.
And they'll twist and moan in hopes of sending those sad boys home all alone.


I'm missing my best friend a lot. With her by my side I feel like we can take on the world. We don't let people talking put us down, we let it build us up and make them keep talking. We meet the right people, we say the right things, we become who you wish you were. We're the girls you write songs about, we inspire what pop music thrives on, only caring about ourselves, each other.. And not caring who gets hurt in the process. Shameless. The way we talk. About a girl. Take Cover. Last chance to lose your keys. She's a lady. Bad News. Woe.


God I miss you please come find me.

You Whispered Words Not Meant for Telephones.

How do you learn to trust after you've been burned? The scars are always there, it doesn't just go away. How do you learn to let someone in, when everytime you did before it was only a regret. How do two people work when they have the same issues? Does it make sense that we'd understand each other, or make sense that we're terrible for each other. who knows. I can preach to the choir and tell him, don't live in the past, but I still think of the past everyday. He can tell me to trust him all he wants, but he doesn't trust me.. so how does this work? Will it? Is it worth it? He said let's just not take it serious, I said that was for the best, I won't take you seriously.. but that's not what he wants.. everyone wants to be taken seriously, even if they're not ready to in return. This is my life, this is me back in a situation with an amazing boy. This is me trying to decide if I want to run for cover or dive back in. This is me hanging from a thread, sink or swim.

My night last night was weird. It went from almost falling asleep watching The Office, to not being able to sit still when the adderal kicked in, to not being able to walk straight when the karkov kicked in... all the way to ending up talking for almost two hours at 6am in a sauna that wasn't on, to falling off a couch all night.. with a bunch of stupid band dude and sibling drama in between. I hate guys that think they're god's gift and they're everything but that. getfuckedab.

PS. OBSESSED WITH THE GAY BLADES

Downloads!-->

The Gay Blades- Why Can't I Grow a Beard?

The Gay Blades- The Cellphone Song

I'm not coming out unless you get some answers soon. If the answers don't come I'll stick to my guns... I'm entitled to this I feel I've overcome getting stepped on and hurt and abused... and it's gonna end bad so I guess I'll just end this now.

bad decisions

Here's a brief summary of the last few days. The days are all running together and I'm trying to keep shit straight. Plus it's just good for me to write. Ps this is what happens when you decide you don't give a fuck about anything anymore.

Friday- Alex's Birthday Party. Drank almost a whole bottle of gin. Was in a room with three ex's, caused a sibling feud, got jealous, hated my life for a hot minute. Almost got left at the party. Managed to get home in a tiny little car with a drunken driver and 5 passengers. Had wrestling matches when we got back to my house, ripped my shirt, have bruises in weird places now.

Saturday- Kathryn's Birthday/Valentine's Day. Went to Kathryn's dads house with Billy, Jordan, Tom, Peewee, Sandy, Rob, and Brian. Drank a lot of jack and coke and played some drinking game we made up, which was so fun. Smoked out of an apple. Passed out in the weight room, woke up in Kathryns bed. Who knows.

Sunday- show at the garage with Tiff and the boys. I really had no fun at that show because I'm just too old to be going to the garage. If you can't smoke somewhere because there's too many kids under 18, yup, too old. Then there was the housewarming party for mike, jack, poitras and kathan. That was sick, so many wonderful faces and so many people being generous to help me kill my liver. Then I spaced out like an hour or so and came to in the mymy van.. On it's way to st paul, singing The Semester. Went to Birdsall's parents huge ass house. Drank more. Went in the sauna with rob, tom, and jordan. Drank more. The rest is a mystery, sort of. Its blotchy.

Monday- I woke up still drunk in some weird attic room that I didn't know existed. Bummed around with the boys all day because I realized I left my car in uptown. Watched 21 grams, peewee made us pasta, watched them practice for a bit. Kathryn came over, we went and got rum. Rum and root beers all night. Watched the boys practice. Went in the sauna with Tom where we concluded the following things; we weren't leaving the sauna til our drinks were gone, and that we are now brother and sister. When we finally left the sauna, well we were very intoxicated. Mikey, Derek, and Tyler came over with a bunch of jag. So hey, why not. Tom passed out. I tried to pass out in the sauna but no one would let me. Haha. Tried to pass out in the living room but people kept waking me up. Ended up staying awake til like 5am.. And now, my car is still in uptown, it's Toms Birthday, and I don't see a good reason to slow down.

Just Right.

All this time I've been looking for something just right. Someone not too cold, not too hot, not too young, not too old, not too egotistical, not too shy, not too talkative, not too quiet. Someone that didn't have too many of the same friends as me, but not somone that didn't know anyone, likes the same things as me but has their own tastes as well, nice but not too nice.. The list could go on, but the point is, I've tried to settle for someone that wasn't right, I've convinced myself that someone who was all wrong for me was the best I would find... but things are looking up, and I'm starting to believe all those people that said I would find better, and I deserved better.

I trapped myself in the past for so long, I am so glad that I'm out of it and though I made a mistake by rebounding straight to Wesley, I feel like that sort of needed to happen. I needed to have somone that I didn't care about to fill the void before I would be able to let myself care about someone again. I'm terrifed and happy at the same time. I don't want to get hurt again. I don't want to let myself fall, I wasn't going to because I know I should have time on my own.. but you can't control timing. I can't just not let myself fall because it's not the right time, their might never be a right time, it could pass me by. I've hung out with Jordan for a week straight, I've come to the conclusion the absolute best way to get to know someone is to hang out with them and their best friend for a week. Think about it, on dates it's awkward and you feel pressured to talk about the right thing and blah blah I usually end up not acting like myself just because it's so awkward. People aren't fake in front of their best friend, and if I can let someone stay with me for a week and then wish they were still here when they leave, well that's a great thing. I get sick of people before they can even finish saying their name. So fuck it, I'm jumping because it feels "just right."

I'm going to try hard to start updating this regularly again. I lost touch for a hot minute.

Untitled from tom on Vimeo.




Untitled from Bing T on Vimeo.

In the worst kind of way

Where to go from here...

the world fell down and I just let it crash.. and you told me you never wanted it to fall, but you were there when it started to break, you watched it fall, you were gone when I had to pick up the pieces. And you claim you've been here all along. I knew you were. I knew you were.. but why didn't you answer the phone. You were never here. Dial tones and static. Leave me a wonderful and exciting message and I'll never get back to you. 

I never wanted you to know. Telling you what I never wanted to say made me listen to what I always wanted to hear. Someday things will be different, you'll see, someday I'll really leave you, but I don't want to tonight. You need me too much.

DOWNLOAD-> BRIGHTWOOD

don't tempt me.

I find comfort in discomfort. I'm used to this mess, I don't know what I'd do if things were in order and everything made sense. I'm comfortable in Jack and Andrew's dirty messy apartment, I've lived in this mess before, I would do it again. I'm an addict to addictions, caught up in being caught up.. Happy being unhappy. Life wasn't meant to be the same thing everyday, the things that stay the same are the things I keep there. Things repeat themselves because I want them repeated, because second, third, sixth chances are there, so take them. Chances are like drinks, you will only turn them down if you're sick, but once you're alright you'll gladly warm your stomach. So pour me a glass, I'm begging you to impair my judgement.

Maybe when I'm done with endings this can begin.

Last night was a punk rock show, shitty beer, and a crazy big girl named Pepper. Old things, new people, I'm trying to make myself better. I'm doing my best to start over. I've decided to throw away my judgments and stop being a hypocrite. I hate rumors and gossip and just because someone does stupid things doesn't make them stupid. I'll give it a chance. 

In honor of the punk show last night, this is the best I can do.

->Something Corporate- Punk Rock Princess

We are terrible for each other, and, yes, we are a disaster. But tell me your heart doesn't race for a hurricane or a burning building. I'd rather die terrified than live forever. 

1.8.09.

It's a shortcut to drive past your old street on the way home, and when I see your street I think I would've saved a lot of time if it just ended there on Quincey. I wonder about where we'd be if we never met, or if we met sooner. It seems things just happened the way they were supposed to, we can't control that. Life sets us up for devastation sometimes to thicken our skin, but I thought it hurt enough the first three times we walked away. The twists and turns somehow always brought me back to you and your scraggly arms, and to think I felt safe there. hah. Your denial overthrew the truth and it feels like falling feet first and breaking both my legs. All I can ask myself is why I jumped in the first place when I knew I could break. I'm okay but getting back up is hard when you feel like you'll never walk again. I still don't know if I will.. be myself again I mean.

And Madison says she's never been in love. I wish I could tell her she's lucky, that it hurts more than it doesn't, it only fills voids, and she's better off sticking to lust. But I couldn't destroy someone's hope like that. I used to have hope too, until I met you. I could list off all the reasons I hate you and publicly humiliate you, but I leave the low blows to you, you're good at it. Go date a stripper and contract a disease or something. Talk to me in a year and tell me you made the right choice. You'll never find better, that's a promise. 

Remember this song?

->The Early November- I want to hear you sad

I could use an Ace Enders right now. 

Try something new..

->Ace Enders and A Million Different People- Reaction

->Ace Enders and A Million Different People- Red Eye

->Ace Enders and A Million Different People- Why Do You Run

->Ace Enders and A Million Different People- Motion

or

->I can make a mess like nobody's business- An oak tree stands beside a linden

->I can make a mess like nobody's business- Untitled 3

But being alone wasn't half as bad.

I never thought it possible, I think I fell in love with someone worse than me.

..and I'm getting that feeling like I don't wanna go on anymore. We are all suffering from "seasonal depression." At least we're convinced of something. It was there all along, it just takes scraping the ice of your windows to remember why it's not worth scraping off. I've drank a half bottle of gin, I've successfully battered my friendship with three of my closest, and I've let them as well as I, convince myself I am clinically insane. Remember all those people in your past that said, "you will never be happy." ? I hate laying my head down and knowing they were right, but dammit now is your chance more than ever to say, I told you so.

I will never be happy. I am a masochist in love with a narcissist and I can't quit him because I am a masochist. I'd rather be hurt than hurt anyone. 

-->Listen to Bayside

Do Yourself A Favor

-->Download the MCS Acoustic EP 

The Dear Hunter

It's ironic how I fall just to get back up again
I fixed to cure this ailing bitter agony
Maybe where the roads part you remember where we first met
So tongue and cheek with stale irony, if it pleases you it pleases me
Just an innocent call a telephone call
Just an innocent call

Now if you were in bloom I’d pluck your petals clean
Although I don’t seem low I can promise you my egos running me
Then I'd be called you were the only one that didn’t fold
But I just broke right down for you in an attempt to gain control
Maybe I'm a waste of time

-->Download album here

You were the only one that didn’t fold

This is Twice Now.

I'm tying myself to the train tracks I'm letting my friends watch me, I'm making them pull the last knot. I stare you straight in the eyes as you cut so far inside me that I lose my breath, I'm letting my friends kill me, I'm letting you hurt me. I'd only be your floor mat if my hair weren't so bright, so now I'm just your pretty head to lay asleep with at night. I don't know how you sleep so soundly with my breath on your neck because I couldn't sleep a wink, and all the pills and all the drinks they never excuse the secrets that we keep.

Messages from across the city will be the only way we convey.. and tomorrow we'll move on, but we never really move on.