for the thrill of the fall.

Living on Lebanese salad, and my room is such a mess, I've been reading more, sleeping less, staying awake fighting the truth, rain turns back to snow. Lacking a best friend and somewhere to place my affection. I need sunshine, I need a tan, I need to forget him, snow turns back to rain.

I want to get on a plane to Arizona and put all your belongings in your car and make you drive home, only stopping for cigarettes and vitamin water.

This awkward gray area of seasons has got me down. It's the third cloudy day in a row, it always gets me.

the positives.

I'm working on the good things. I may only have 10 bucks in my wallet, but I absolutely have to stay positive if I'm going to stay standing.

My new job is neat. It's not great, it's not glamorous, but it's a job. I get to learn how to make tons of cool lebanese food that I'd never have a clue about. I've mastered cutting gyro meat now! Woo! I'm forced to try something new everyday. Zakia is the cutest little old lady in the world, and she speaks French and smiles a lot. I wish my two years of French would come back to me. As of now I'm working everyday 9am-230, which is good because that's steady. Once I'm done training I'll surely lose hours though, so I just need to get my hands on a second job.

I really want to make a plan, find a path, and get on it. Lanette and I need to have a talk, I want to stay there for the summer again and work with her. From there I want to really work on building connections and job shadowing everything she does. This often involves conference calls on the deck with cigarettes and white wine, the best. After that I can either take that experience back home or stay there depending on how things are going and go to community college and get a degree to fall back on.. But I don't need a degree to work in music mgmt.. Sooo we'll see if I need it. I might be just lucky enough to do it with connections, which equals interning for big names, which means more than a degree. I kind of like that I know what I need to do and I don't need to rush. I'm 20 I can't start a career yet anyways.

My mom just called me for guy advice, shouldn't it be the other way around? I thought it was funny. She always calls me and lanette because "we always know what to say." Though this is true, I can always tell someone else what to say, I can't do it myself. It's a curse.

An Actual Update

I'm going to update mostly just to remind me of the last week of events.

Last Thursday marked the start of "Spring Break Yo'Self 09". For a recap on why some events in '09 seem to feel like deja vu I will refresh your memories quick.. Last year, the whole month of Feb up until Spring Break 08, myself and Michael hated each other. Like couldn't stand the sight, "perma-banned" from his house. I moved on, I dated or had whatever with Andrew from the higher for a hot minute, (just like I had whatever with Jordan this year, weird right?) and then at their show at the varsity (first day of spring break) Mike was there. He was black out drunk and invited Andrew and I over to his house. After Andrew left for tour Mike and I got back together.. urr whatever (it gets really complicated that we have no title) and we spent the entire Spring Break 08 together. I only went home to shower and grab clothes. We also spent everyday drunk with Jack doing fucking sweet things everyday. Long story short, it resulted in getting us back into our thing and a lot of fun. It needed to be repeated. I make my own time machines.

SO.. Thursday- It was my wonderful close friend Ryan Waggoner's 20th birthday. I went to his apartment, where I hope to reside next year! We had tequila and orange juice and talked about things. Then Kathryn met up with us and we went over to Mike and Jack's and a lot of people were over. I drank a good portion of cheap wine, some of Mike's snowboard friends got in a fight with Poitras which resulted in them leaving and a very upset Mike. He was extremely pissed, so we talked and everything seemed fine until he drunkenly decided that since he was in a bad mood I had to be too. He starts trying to make me feel like shit, it works, I get upset, we fight, blah blah, we yell, we talk, we make up, we sleep.

Friday- Woke up bright and early, drove home and cleaned my house. Went to pick up applications and talk to managers at a couple places by my house. Had a partial interview at psycho Suzy's. Relaxed. Kathryn came over, we ran and got booze at 9:57 and made it! Went to pick up Jack in St Paul, then to Carly and Elsa's City of Sound after party. It was so packed and I got to see a lot of faces I missed. I drank more gin than expected, went back to Jack and Mike's and slept there.

Saturday- Woke up early again! Went to the mall and got something to wear to the show. Went home and showered and got pretty, then I went to pick up Tiff and Poitras. Poitras had a very happy happy hour, and was passed out on his couch, that was great. (black out friend at a show again?)Had to drag him out the door to get to the fallout. I wasn't sure if the show would be awkward with Jordan because this was after I just decided he was no longer worth my time. I got to see Tom! And that made me happy, maybe if Jordan would have been half as much fun as his best friend he would still be around, ouch. The show was fun, besides Poitras passing out on the couch. I went to pick up Madison after Blue Ox played and we drank Carlo straight from the jug with Tiff, because we are classy. The Goodbye Sound really impressed me, and wow Tyler, that's all I have to say about that. haha. My My Misfire sounded good up until the last song, which go figure is also their best song. It just lacked in every area, sorry boys. Practice makes perfect, if you ever did. Immediately after the show we headed to the party back at Jack and Mikes, already a ton of people so I wasn't sure how I'd swing getting out of there for the other party. It was jam packed with everyone I know, then I left with Emily and Alex to go to the after party at Tony's house. And everyone else I knew that wasn't at Mike's was at that party. It sucked though, I didn't wanna be around Jordan and his trashy arm candy, or any of the trash that was there for that matter. So I finished my drink and went back to where I belong.

The party had multiplied by three when I got back and I was drunk. The night gets blurry around here, I think I hung out with Mike's high school friends for like two hours? I don't know where I was. Around 4am I started to realize that I didn't know anyone that was there and got concerned. We tried to start kicking people out and they just wouldn't leave. By 5am, the people left were super weird. Still wouldn't leave. Mike, I and Matt Brown had to sleep in the living room and the fucks would still not leave. Finally as I am trying to sleep this kid starts shit with me, I snap and scream at him and Matt starts yelling too at everyone else to get the fuck out.. this starts a fight between two of the random dudes for some reason. Random dude 1 hits random dude 2 in the face, they fight, chocolate cake on the coffee table falls, beer bottles go everywhere.. I push everyone out the front door. Mike goes and sleeps upstairs leaving me and Matt to deal with this. I try to clean up, It's 6am I'm tired, drunk and pissed off at this point. The random people stay on the porch talking still, Matt and I are scared to go to bed, so finally Matt went and yelled at them and they left, at 630am!! It was so frustrating, and poor little Matt had to work at 9am.
Sunday- I slept til like 1 or so. Then I woke up and went to The Beat with Kathan, Kevin, and Mike. I got iced tea and ordered free Caffrey's thanks to bff. I learned how to play avatar then Mike and I walked back. We cleaned up the house a little bit, but it's still trashed. Then I tried to lay down and watched Scarface with Jack and fell asleep. When I woke up Jamie was over and her and Mike were making vegan soup in the crock pot. I watched them play avatar, ate more free Caffrey's then the boys went to the CC Club and I went home for a shower. I was wide awake after this so I went back to the house, ate soup and drank the rest of my gin and played avatar with Mike until 7am. yup, like over 3hrs straight up of just drinking and avatar, it ruled. When we realized it was 7am we also realized the sun was coming up and it's impossible to fall asleep when it's light out in his room.. so we locked ourselves in the vip bathroom and slept on the couch in there. It sounds weird but, it was really cute actually.

Monday- We slept until forever but when we woke up it was beautiful out. Mike went to work and Jack and I went to Calhoun Square, hit up the bank, the roof top of Stella's, Heartbreaker, then Mike called and said he got sent home from work. We went to The Independent for happy hour then to American Apparel and Lund's. Decided we were going to have a grill out and went to the wedge.. around this time we started getting strange texts about a party at their house that night. None of us had any idea, turns out the power of Poitras' twitter is exceptional. Tried to cancel and failed. Sean and Madison came over and grilled dinner with Mike and I, then we left to ditch the party. Ended up going to his friends from Japanese class house where I watched them bake a vegan dish and then vegan chocolate cupcakes with coconut frosting. Amazing. After that we devised a plan that if there was still a party going on we'd sneak straight to the room with the jug of wine and play avatar in solitude for the rest of the night. Luckily we arrived at an empty house, but still played avatar until we were sleepy.


Tuesday- By today my body had just had it. I've been drunk or consumed alcohol every night since Thursday. I wanted nothing more than to take it easy, but I awoke to realize it was St Patrick's Day, I now felt obligated to get drunk. Then I couldn't even find anything worth doing, I have this problem a lot on Tuesday's thanks to The Triple Rock. I ended up just going over to Tiff's with Madison and drank some wine, then I went over to Ryan's and we watched Gossip Girl until he was tired. Then went home and I'm going to sleep in my own bed for the first time in almost a week, I'm not excited about it, I hate my bed and I hate sleeping alone.


Basically, so far everything is panning out the way it did last year this time. Mike and I don't hate each other anymore and I am happy, and I don't care about what we "are" or "aren't" to other people, I still have the most fucking cool friends in the world and I'm extremely grateful.. and stilllll every other boy that comes my way proves himself no match for mike eames. sorry boys. Also, huuuuuge surprise this Friday. Stay posted for Friday nights events =)

I can't keep on without you.

I'm conflicted. It's complicated, I don't want to change, as predicted. Maybe that last post was only kidding myself after all. I'll never give up those old mittens, after all they are the ones that are always there for me, everyone else just disappears. I'm dumb for not realizing that's what I should have learned from that metaphor. I saw it but I was naiive to the fact that I can't move on, because I wanted to so bad.

I've learned the following in the past week... it only takes a month for me to destroy my pseudo relationship with someone, but I still can't completely ruin the one with Michael after a year? I'm trying to make sense of it. I guess as much as we want to, we can't give each other up. I've tried to ruin it though, oh and believe me he does too. Distance only makes the heart grow fonder, time only makes a relationship stronger. I suppose the only way in ever ending our stupid thing would be is if one of us fell in love with someone else, but it hasn't happened. I wouldn't mind if it did for him, I only want to see him happy. I'm not in the same place I've been with him in the past. This is different, I'm not expecting a single thing from him, he is my friend, I am his. We enjoy spending time together with our friends and we share a bed sometimes, I don't expect him to want to be with me again, I just know that I'm not happy with anyone else at this point in time.. and I'm not looking. If someone wanders along, well great, but I don't have time for it. I'm putting a wall up, closing my doors. I'll give my affection to him I'll kill my free time with friends, I'm alright with it.

We're like magnets, when there's no one between us we default to each other.

..this note lies by our sides each night, my last thoughts.

• Download-> A Rocket To the Moon- If Only They Knew

drunk posts rule

Everyone can relate to what I'm about to write about.

There's that moment, where you've had a fling with someone, and you just know it's over. Texts have become short, you see them and eye contact is minimal. You laugh and smile in hopes that they won't think you care. There was never an actual conversation that ended with 'it's over'. But you know it's over. What I'm talking about is that first party you're at together, but not "together". You stay in seperate rooms, you don't speak, you look at each other in the corner of your eye, wondering if they're looking at you too. Your friends are there and you're happy, but there's that empy feeling in the pit of your stomach. There's that feeling of rejection, of failure, that yet again it "just didn't work out." You wonder, that cute girl with big eyes, will it work out for her? You'll never know, because all you know is it's over.

I don't wait, I always just let it go.

This might sound weird, but it's a metaphor I had in my head all night in my freezing car, and it makes perfect sense to me.

So I have this old pair of mittens, there was already a small hole in between the thumb when I got them. I bought them half off because they were ripped, but they were cute, I wanted them anyways. Even though I'd known up front they'd cause me trouble and never be enough. I guess I never counted on them to last, but they were cheap and I needed mittens. The hole just kept ripping, then the other one ripped too. I threw them in my droor and bought new mittens. I've since gone on to buy multiple mittens, I always lose them. Either I lose both all together or there's just one, and they're deemed useless with out the other half. Until I find new ones I always go back to the ripped ones, why is it that I never lose those ones? They're the only mittens I've kept for so long, and they don't even keep me warm, it's been over a year since I got them.
What I'm about to say is specifically for someone, they may or may not ever read this. He may stumble on it one night late lurking, high and bored and maybe intrigued about the stupid shit I write in here..
What I want to say is, it's not the old ripped ones that I want. They don't keep me warm, they were cute at first and now they're just falling apart. It's not him that I want. They're just always there in the back of my droor when I need to be somewhat warm, they're better than nothing at all. It's new mittens that I want, that aren't torn from the start, that keep me warm on nights like these. It's you that I want and I don't want to lose you. I know that if I try hard enough I can find the part of you I lost and you can warm my hands again. I miss you and I'm sorry. I know now that it's you that I want, not something old that I already know will never work. I'd rather take all the chances in the world on you than any chance on him. I don't know where along the way I lost you but I'm not ready to just forget about it.

house of mirriors.

I'm in love with illusion so saw me in half. I'm in love with tricks so pull another rabitt out your hat.

I once knew this girl, and she was the most naiive girl I'd ever met. Now I'm not one to face reality with the most grace, but this girl was all falling pieces of false hope. Clumsy as a drunken school girl, tripping over the truth like it wasn't there. She always had someone to keep her on balance, to kick the truth under the rug and say, darling it's alright you look beautiful tonight. I'd try to leave bits of the truth on her phone some nights, but let's face it I'm far too scared to start fights. The girl continued to ignore all signs, smile and laugh like everything was fine. Living in a world where the bad guys were the good guys, where up was down and down was up, a drunken kiss was love. I can't tell someone their whole worlds a lie, how do you word that and sound polite?
The bad guys are really bad guys, they will never change, not for you and not for me. The things you heard weren't lies, the times you weren't there I heard it all, the ice is as slippery as it looks.. they have no friends but themselves for a good reason.
I feel terrible, I let you be the rug I swept all the lies beneath and watched them walk all over it. I'd go back now.. I'd never let you walk into a house of mirriors alone. I'd hold your hand and walk with you and tell you it's alright, you look beautiful tonight.

one more night

I hate how everyone has that person, and I hate that that person is you. I hate that I've moved on but not past it and I'm missing someone else too.

Arms and legs and our hair tangle and it feels less like a knot and more like a trap, and I'm caught. Fighting a fight I've already fought. Bricks on a sidewalk aligned, puzzle pieces I've been trying to find, a trap that is so perfectly intertwined. The album in your car plays tracks one through thirteen not missing a chord of our story. Perfectly recorded and re-recorded and replayed a million times. I don't have the energy anymore to do a thing but listen, I'm too tired to change anything, too exhausted to try anything new. Let's sleep a million years and hope someday soon you'll buy those curtains.