Something as real as an afternoon spent passing the results of everyones few bucks and quarters, around a back porch. Lofted above the city, trees in bloom, no shoes, and a carton of cigarettes from my mom. We'd stay there til the sun went down, and until it came up again. Sometimes we'd read, sometimes we'd listen, and sometimes we'd talk, but we didn't need to say a word. Everything, everyone was so unperfect that it made it perfect, in my eyes. Remember the nights where our biggest worry in the world was how we'd get to taco bell before close? 'We' was always different, but always the same. So many people were a part of it, but the same few faces were always staring back at me at the end of the night. We've all slurred the words to each other, but to all of you I'll say it again, I love you.
The people that have stood by me despite all my mistakes and bad choices. All my failed attempts at succeeding, my talk of ending it all, the times you've held my hand and told me things would get better. Those things mean the most, and rather you know it or not, have saved me from doing what I know you all know about. You've all saved me in one way or another.
The reason I got to thinking about all this is because I can sit and think about how bad things suck all I want.. But everything would be a whole lot worse if it were not for all of you. You've helped me learn and grow so much, (though clearly I have a lot more work to do to fix myself. I'm finally trying.) I honestly would not be alive with out you, I know that sounds dramatic, it is, and it's true. I feel like I have been letting you all drift away from me. It stops now, I won't let that happen. I won't let something so small, that seemed so big at one time, a boy, keep me from being with the people that I love. People that will accept you and love you unconditionally despite all your flaws and mistakes are not easy to come by. I just hope that you all know and appreciate that I love you back the same, no matter what, unconditional.
On my drive back home this morning, while thinking about this, I stared at my left forearm while I ashed my cigarette. Rescued. When I got the tattoo, I didn't have much of a sentimental meaning besides how much that song means to me, and wanting to even out my arms.. But I knew that at some point I would find a meaning. Not just any petty meaning, something I'd forever look at the print on my arm and know that it means more than a word, and more than a song I didn't write. I finally found it.
I don't need to go into depth about why, because the people this blog is for already know what's going on with me.. and though I like to publish my life for all you lurks, some things are better kept from your skimming eyes.
Because of Margot Hurwitz, Jack Mulkern, Andrew Poitras, Mike Eames, Madison Karpan, and Tiffany Conran I am rescued. Of course their are more people that have been there, but I consider you guys my closest, and to be the only people that "really" know me. Thanks for the summer, and fall, last winter and this one. Thanks for always being there, thanks for listening, thanks for being honest, but also thanks for lying when I needed it. Thanks for sharing your beds and keeping me warm, thanks for pushing me to do things I never would have. Thank you for always being able to make me smile and of course for all the times you've shared booze. I wouldn't be me with out you guys. No regrets. I'd do everything again.
(On another note: if you guys all read this today, call me when you do.. And I wanna do something tonight with all of you!)
4 comments:
Madeline Keely Hake.
You are perfect. My god, I love you so much.
ilyxoxoxoxo.
btw- I'm trying to visit reeeal soon.
<3
iheart your blog
=]
Post a Comment