xmas update 2

I have been high at least half the time I have been here. It's the only way to get through being stuck with the family. I don't like smoking much when I'm home because I don't want it to become a daily habbit, but on vacation I always just say fuck it. There's no such thing as saying "no" to weed in California.

I miss my friends so muchh. It's ridiculous how much of a homesick baby I am. Also I think I like Joram, I would actually date him, no one has come along like that since Alex and I broke up and Mike strung me along for a year. Spealking of boys I don't want to date... Ben from Burrito Loco called me tonight, at least 5 times. Completely hammered, mumble jumbling some words about wanting me, and having his ex girlfriend back. Who knows what the meaning behind telling someone that you're sorry that you got back with your ex and that you still want me in the same conversation, but it's can't be good. He's making himself sound almost as bad as Wesley.

Today I got the joy of going to the swap meet. It's the best. It was almost liberating to just walk by myself down the rows and rows of tents selling stolen things and shouting in spanish. I managed to get all of my close friends presents, I said I wasn't going to get anyone presents but I couldn't resist. Buying xmas presents is always my favorite thing to do, and I couldn't do it until now this year cause I was/am still so broke. I also consumed way more greasy pizza than the human body should, and a great deal of Mountain Dew. Hello chubby. I went to the 99 Cent Store and grabbed a few items. Then I suceeded in watch The Dark Knight for the second night in a row. I decided I don't care how cliche it is, that movie is my favorite movie. It's just so good, I can't say I love it because of interest in batman or anything, it's just the whole story line, setting, concept, acting, wardrobe is great. 



-thepress

Xmas vacation update 1

I've been on the road for about 14 hours. It is hell.. But it could always be worse. So it's myself, my dad, my little sister, her best friend, and my brother and two of his friends. Shoot me. I'm curled in a ball in the back with my ipod and my cigarettes. My back is killing me.

After you move out, when you're back with your family you feel like a fish out of water. But it was out of water, on land with them that I began.. I guess I just dove in and have been drowning ever since.. I need water, I'd rather be gasping for air with my friends. I don't remember why I thought this trip was a good idea, I'll get back to you when I figure it out.

Last night was pretty great. Slept in til 2 with michael, showered and tiff came over. Got ready for the show. Was very late for the show. Got drunk in the car.. Then I sang my little heart out to Sing It Loud, cause I have no shame. All these people saying they're too good for sing it loud.. Well here's what I have to say, since when were you ever too good for your friends band that happened to get successful? I guess they weren't really your friends to begin with huh. I don't believe in the term sold out, I believe in the words success and jealousy.

The after party at Wickard's was so so. A lot of weirdo randoms showed up. I just don't know how people figure it out sometimes.. It's not like his address was posted anywhere, people are creeps. It was so nice to see the boys. I got to actually talk to Ben, I haven't in so long. It's weird thinking what we used to be. Two kids in Menomonie downloading music on limewire and burning cds for each other like it was our job. Going to Minneapolis on the weekends to see The Semester, and now he's playing with Pat. It's surreal. I'm so proud. There was a lot of stupid drama with Pat last night, I'm glad I'm not involved. Regardless, it was nice to be in the same house drinking beer with so many people I love.

I think I'm in Oklahoma now and I'm listening to The Morning Light on repeat. Absolutely obsessed with the song "follow me home" because of this verse:
I don't believe you, I don't believe that you're alright. No I don't believe you cause there's a part of you that never wanted any part of me. And you never knew enough to know that you're forever going to be alone...
And you were better before you got better than me.

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-Mady

Why Isn't Love Enough?

I get so tired of fighting it, and then I just end up crumbling in your arms. I hate it, I love it, I don't need it, I want it. Friends tell me to leave, they tell me there's nothing left to believe. There is everything left, there is nothing but time, they will never understand the way we do. Ever. End of story.


I was a drunken sorry mess at Wesley's party tonight. I'm just glad you saved me and took me home. Apparently everyone else had a good time heres pictures:

Make Me Believe You Mean This.

Current feelings, over it. I feel a sense of closure, relief, satisfaction in meeting someone new and so entirely great that it makes boys from the past feel so far gone. Though all of this said with a grain of salt, trust is also a feeling of the past. That makes me a little sad. Just the thought that a few shitty people ruined it for everyone I will meet in the future. 

Anyway, what I've been doing. Since I've been very sick there isn't a whole lot of excitement in my life. This weekend was nice though. Friday I worked at Urban and I talked to Joram a lot at work, so we made plans to hang that night. I didn't think much of it to be honest. After work I went home then met with Mike for dinner at Chipotle, and we talked and for the first time in a long time I could honestly look him in the eye and not care who he would be drunkenly screwing (over) that night. It doesn't matter anymore, he has chosen to not have me, and be it a mistake or not, it was his mistake to make. 

I went to uptown after that to meet Joram and we walked to meet Josh and Maya and went to a show in Chaska. Hardcore obviously not being my thing in any way shape or form, I don't even know what compelled me to join him. I guess it went like this, I called Andrew and said, I hate hardcore and I met this cute boy and I don't think I want to go because guys have been disappointing me left and right. So do I go home and sit on my computer and over think how much things suck until we get drunk later or do I grit my teeth through this show? He said, don't be dumb, go to the show. So I went. It is really sad how much I rely on Andrew, and it's even more sad thinking about the lack of time I've spent with him in the last two weeks.

 The show was exactly what I expected. Almost all kids under 18, gross girls that do not know how to dress, boys that have way too much testosterone and sweat. But it was alright because I saw Joram in a new light, and he was great, and he introduced me to all his friends and he was always making sure that I was doing okay and and.. it was so much better than going places with he whose name must not be mentioned. After that we went to a party in uptown. It was all mcad kids, fuck mcad kids, no offense to the few of you that I love. But seriously, step off your soap box, you kids are like "the cool kids" in high school, and funny thing is you were all the losers in high school.. now you're being the people you hated. fuck off. I don't care that your mommy and daddy paid lots of money for you to go be a pretentious fuck and make art and talk about your super indie books and record collections. You all look the same in your sweaters from some thrift store because you are oh so thrifty... and paired with your designer jeans... wait what? Yeah. Thrifty. get fucked. I had to leave. So I did. 

Saturday I spent the entire day with Joram. We slept in, got lunch, and watched movies. Then we went back to his place in uptown and Joel came over, so we walked to the liquor store where Wesley met us. Then we drank and watched The Dark Knight and talked about a bunch of shit. Cheers to Urban for opening the door to meet some of the coolest fucking people ever. Once the four of us were pretty drunk the night only got better. We had a snow ball fight and then went to Lauren's apartment and drank brandy with root beer and watched Pete and Pete, the night gets blurry about there. But at some point I managed to drive home and pass out in my clothes. 

Today I woke up and watched Twilight in my bed and fell back asleep for a while and dreamt about Edward Cullen. I'm lame. Then I picked up Joram and we went to target to get groceries and movies. Made dinner and watched Tropic Thunder and Step Brothers with Jack and Madison. Thanks red box for only having dumb movies, but surprisingly both movies were very funny, I guess they are what they are and nothing better. Now it's a blizzard outside and it's time for me to get some sleep. 

Currently Listening to Say Anything feat. Kenny Vasoli & Hayley Williams- Plea

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My one and lonely..

The reasons to not hate you are starting to feel more like excuses. The reasons can be counted with fingers. The wear and tear is setting in more than ever, patience wearing thin. Ready to call it quits again. 

I've spent the last few days in bed, sick and tired. All the symptoms of mono, but sometimes symptoms don't mean a thing. I'll be fine in a couple of days. I've been spending some time with Aaron, and I like it. He's leaving for California Friday, he will be there the same time I'm supposed to be with my family there.... but I just can't go to Cali right now as much as I want to.. but then again I'm not sure I will handle being alone for Christmas so well. I hate Christmas though, so I should be fine, I'm pretty sure every year I end up wishing I was alone anyway.

Last night Madison and I got our hair done at Zach's house. The Aarons, Kathryn and Jordan came over. We drank wine and got a kick out of the mpls gossip board. Then Aaron and I went to Ryan Traester's and chilled out for a while, then went to Little T's. Things are as simple as simple gets lately. A relief. 

I've been waiting since birth to find a love that would look and sound like a movie

It was about this time last year, when I was falling for the first time with you.

When we met, I didn't think much of you, I didn't think I'd ever care for you as more than a friend, now I can't imagine not caring. You were too loud and sang too much in the car, you said weird things in public, and you were mean to me except you thought it was funny. I could go on but that's not important, because it is all those things I can't be with out now.

Today was like all of it never happened.. all of it as in January, February, March, April... and on. We were back, it was like the first time hanging out, except this time I just laughed when you said weird things in public and we made a scene on the street and pretended to be breaking up, When you sang too loud in the car I just smiled, and when you made fun of me, I knew it was because you think I'm cute when I'm bothered so I played along.

Honestly, I NEVER in a million years thought a year later it would still be you. I never thought I'd still be running with you all over the city to random places, doing random things, and smiling simply because I am never down when we are together. I never thought I would end up living with you for three months and sharing a car, I never thought we'd make up and break up an infinite amount of times, I never thought I could even like you again after the perma-banned incident.. fuck look at all we've been through since then. I know all of my friends that will read this will think I am absolutely crazy for saying the following, but the truth of it is... I would not take back any of it. I would do it all over again, I would cry and be upset over and over because.. what I feel when I'm with Mike, it feels sort of like being front and center for your favorite band when they play your favorite song, except no, it's not like that because it's better. It's way better.

That, is not something you find everyday, I can only be so lucky to have found it once, even if it doesn't end well, even if things never happen the way I want them to, I have no regrets because I got to have that. 

Cheap Shots, Low Blows.

Last Saturday... came the ultimate crash. Fuck adderal, I mean I love adderal. Which is it? 

I slept in Michael's bed until I couldn't keep my eyes closed anymore. Until we realized it was far past afternoon. I went home and tried to shower off the hang over the pills that were still running through me, I didn't want to go to work at the bar, I knew it was going to be bad. I couldn't tell if that gut feeling was the hang over or the truth.

I got there, and of course the second I get there Joe is on my ass, just can't do anything right. I had that feeling I always get when he yells at me, that feeling like I am 15 again, with out a car, stuck in a small town, and my dads yelling at me about something I have no control over. Except, I'm 20 now, my relationship with my dad is fine, I'm happy, so it's just him that brings all that bullshit back. That was it, it was not the night to make me feel like dirt, I snapped. I talked back, I would have got grounded, but I quit instead. I walked out with my head high.... until I got to my car.

I think sometimes that's just the way it goes, and you have to look at yourself in the mirror and say, this was the right thing to do. I couldn't work for someone like him for one more day, one more hour, or minute, I did what I needed to do. It's been making me miserable for months. No amount of money is worth that, especially considering I wasn't making much money anyway. Where does that leave me? With no money, one job that never schedules me, it leaves me completely FUCKED. But at least I have my pride. 

I basically spent the next two days a mess curled up in Mike's bed, the only place I didn't feel like everything was falling down on me. The only person that didn't make me want to scream, that didn't want to talk about it, or talk about drama, that didn't need to say anything to make everything fine. That's why I like him. I haven't spoken to him much or seen him around the last few days and it's really got me down. He's crammed with papers and tests, all leading up to finals. If I have learned anything in this never ending pseudo-relationship, it's to leave him alone during finals. I'm enough of a distraction when I'm in his bed at 8am and he is supposed to be leaving for class and he chooses not to. 

Onward, this week has been miserable, and now it's the weekend. Besides spending my Thursday night drinking wine in a Hilton hot tub with Madison. That was great, see picture below. Tonight was supposed to be good, but the snow kept me in.. I'm hoping for a late start. I'll make the most of my Saturday night.

click2DOWNLOAD- This Providence

try: Card House Dreamer- from Self Titled

A Wolf In Sheep's Clothing- from Self Titled

or Sand in Your Shoes (acoustic)- from The Bright Lights EP