thoughts. memories. thank you's. IOU.

Everyones making promises they can't wait to break, and plans they'll never follow through on. I just want something real.

Something as real as an afternoon spent passing the results of everyones few bucks and quarters, around a back porch. Lofted above the city, trees in bloom, no shoes, and a carton of cigarettes from my mom. We'd stay there til the sun went down, and until it came up again. Sometimes we'd read, sometimes we'd listen, and sometimes we'd talk, but we didn't need to say a word. Everything, everyone was so unperfect that it made it perfect, in my eyes. Remember the nights where our biggest worry in the world was how we'd get to taco bell before close? 'We' was always different, but always the same. So many people were a part of it, but the same few faces were always staring back at me at the end of the night. We've all slurred the words to each other, but to all of you I'll say it again, I love you.


The people that have stood by me despite all my mistakes and bad choices. All my failed attempts at succeeding, my talk of ending it all, the times you've held my hand and told me things would get better. Those things mean the most, and rather you know it or not, have saved me from doing what I know you all know about. You've all saved me in one way or another.


The reason I got to thinking about all this is because I can sit and think about how bad things suck all I want.. But everything would be a whole lot worse if it were not for all of you. You've helped me learn and grow so much, (though clearly I have a lot more work to do to fix myself. I'm finally trying.) I honestly would not be alive with out you, I know that sounds dramatic, it is, and it's true. I feel like I have been letting you all drift away from me. It stops now, I won't let that happen. I won't let something so small, that seemed so big at one time, a boy, keep me from being with the people that I love. People that will accept you and love you unconditionally despite all your flaws and mistakes are not easy to come by. I just hope that you all know and appreciate that I love you back the same, no matter what, unconditional.


On my drive back home this morning, while thinking about this, I stared at my left forearm while I ashed my cigarette. Rescued. When I got the tattoo, I didn't have much of a sentimental meaning besides how much that song means to me, and wanting to even out my arms.. But I knew that at some point I would find a meaning. Not just any petty meaning, something I'd forever look at the print on my arm and know that it means more than a word, and more than a song I didn't write. I finally found it.
I don't need to go into depth about why, because the people this blog is for already know what's going on with me.. and though I like to publish my life for all you lurks, some things are better kept from your skimming eyes.

Because of Margot Hurwitz, Jack Mulkern, Andrew Poitras, Mike Eames, Madison Karpan, and Tiffany Conran I am rescued. Of course their are more people that have been there, but I consider you guys my closest, and to be the only people that "really" know me. Thanks for the summer, and fall, last winter and this one. Thanks for always being there, thanks for listening, thanks for being honest, but also thanks for lying when I needed it. Thanks for sharing your beds and keeping me warm, thanks for pushing me to do things I never would have. Thank you for always being able to make me smile and of course for all the times you've shared booze. I wouldn't be me with out you guys. No regrets. I'd do everything again.



(On another note: if you guys all read this today, call me when you do.. And I wanna do something tonight with all of you!)

her pride makes her hard to forget.

And pretty girls can shake the girls of sad boy's past.
And they'll twist and moan in hopes of sending those sad boys home all alone.


I'm missing my best friend a lot. With her by my side I feel like we can take on the world. We don't let people talking put us down, we let it build us up and make them keep talking. We meet the right people, we say the right things, we become who you wish you were. We're the girls you write songs about, we inspire what pop music thrives on, only caring about ourselves, each other.. And not caring who gets hurt in the process. Shameless. The way we talk. About a girl. Take Cover. Last chance to lose your keys. She's a lady. Bad News. Woe.


God I miss you please come find me.

You Whispered Words Not Meant for Telephones.

How do you learn to trust after you've been burned? The scars are always there, it doesn't just go away. How do you learn to let someone in, when everytime you did before it was only a regret. How do two people work when they have the same issues? Does it make sense that we'd understand each other, or make sense that we're terrible for each other. who knows. I can preach to the choir and tell him, don't live in the past, but I still think of the past everyday. He can tell me to trust him all he wants, but he doesn't trust me.. so how does this work? Will it? Is it worth it? He said let's just not take it serious, I said that was for the best, I won't take you seriously.. but that's not what he wants.. everyone wants to be taken seriously, even if they're not ready to in return. This is my life, this is me back in a situation with an amazing boy. This is me trying to decide if I want to run for cover or dive back in. This is me hanging from a thread, sink or swim.

My night last night was weird. It went from almost falling asleep watching The Office, to not being able to sit still when the adderal kicked in, to not being able to walk straight when the karkov kicked in... all the way to ending up talking for almost two hours at 6am in a sauna that wasn't on, to falling off a couch all night.. with a bunch of stupid band dude and sibling drama in between. I hate guys that think they're god's gift and they're everything but that. getfuckedab.

PS. OBSESSED WITH THE GAY BLADES

Downloads!-->

The Gay Blades- Why Can't I Grow a Beard?

The Gay Blades- The Cellphone Song

I'm not coming out unless you get some answers soon. If the answers don't come I'll stick to my guns... I'm entitled to this I feel I've overcome getting stepped on and hurt and abused... and it's gonna end bad so I guess I'll just end this now.

bad decisions

Here's a brief summary of the last few days. The days are all running together and I'm trying to keep shit straight. Plus it's just good for me to write. Ps this is what happens when you decide you don't give a fuck about anything anymore.

Friday- Alex's Birthday Party. Drank almost a whole bottle of gin. Was in a room with three ex's, caused a sibling feud, got jealous, hated my life for a hot minute. Almost got left at the party. Managed to get home in a tiny little car with a drunken driver and 5 passengers. Had wrestling matches when we got back to my house, ripped my shirt, have bruises in weird places now.

Saturday- Kathryn's Birthday/Valentine's Day. Went to Kathryn's dads house with Billy, Jordan, Tom, Peewee, Sandy, Rob, and Brian. Drank a lot of jack and coke and played some drinking game we made up, which was so fun. Smoked out of an apple. Passed out in the weight room, woke up in Kathryns bed. Who knows.

Sunday- show at the garage with Tiff and the boys. I really had no fun at that show because I'm just too old to be going to the garage. If you can't smoke somewhere because there's too many kids under 18, yup, too old. Then there was the housewarming party for mike, jack, poitras and kathan. That was sick, so many wonderful faces and so many people being generous to help me kill my liver. Then I spaced out like an hour or so and came to in the mymy van.. On it's way to st paul, singing The Semester. Went to Birdsall's parents huge ass house. Drank more. Went in the sauna with rob, tom, and jordan. Drank more. The rest is a mystery, sort of. Its blotchy.

Monday- I woke up still drunk in some weird attic room that I didn't know existed. Bummed around with the boys all day because I realized I left my car in uptown. Watched 21 grams, peewee made us pasta, watched them practice for a bit. Kathryn came over, we went and got rum. Rum and root beers all night. Watched the boys practice. Went in the sauna with Tom where we concluded the following things; we weren't leaving the sauna til our drinks were gone, and that we are now brother and sister. When we finally left the sauna, well we were very intoxicated. Mikey, Derek, and Tyler came over with a bunch of jag. So hey, why not. Tom passed out. I tried to pass out in the sauna but no one would let me. Haha. Tried to pass out in the living room but people kept waking me up. Ended up staying awake til like 5am.. And now, my car is still in uptown, it's Toms Birthday, and I don't see a good reason to slow down.

Just Right.

All this time I've been looking for something just right. Someone not too cold, not too hot, not too young, not too old, not too egotistical, not too shy, not too talkative, not too quiet. Someone that didn't have too many of the same friends as me, but not somone that didn't know anyone, likes the same things as me but has their own tastes as well, nice but not too nice.. The list could go on, but the point is, I've tried to settle for someone that wasn't right, I've convinced myself that someone who was all wrong for me was the best I would find... but things are looking up, and I'm starting to believe all those people that said I would find better, and I deserved better.

I trapped myself in the past for so long, I am so glad that I'm out of it and though I made a mistake by rebounding straight to Wesley, I feel like that sort of needed to happen. I needed to have somone that I didn't care about to fill the void before I would be able to let myself care about someone again. I'm terrifed and happy at the same time. I don't want to get hurt again. I don't want to let myself fall, I wasn't going to because I know I should have time on my own.. but you can't control timing. I can't just not let myself fall because it's not the right time, their might never be a right time, it could pass me by. I've hung out with Jordan for a week straight, I've come to the conclusion the absolute best way to get to know someone is to hang out with them and their best friend for a week. Think about it, on dates it's awkward and you feel pressured to talk about the right thing and blah blah I usually end up not acting like myself just because it's so awkward. People aren't fake in front of their best friend, and if I can let someone stay with me for a week and then wish they were still here when they leave, well that's a great thing. I get sick of people before they can even finish saying their name. So fuck it, I'm jumping because it feels "just right."

I'm going to try hard to start updating this regularly again. I lost touch for a hot minute.