her pride makes her hard to forget.

And pretty girls can shake the girls of sad boy's past.
And they'll twist and moan in hopes of sending those sad boys home all alone.


I'm missing my best friend a lot. With her by my side I feel like we can take on the world. We don't let people talking put us down, we let it build us up and make them keep talking. We meet the right people, we say the right things, we become who you wish you were. We're the girls you write songs about, we inspire what pop music thrives on, only caring about ourselves, each other.. And not caring who gets hurt in the process. Shameless. The way we talk. About a girl. Take Cover. Last chance to lose your keys. She's a lady. Bad News. Woe.


God I miss you please come find me.

You Whispered Words Not Meant for Telephones.

How do you learn to trust after you've been burned? The scars are always there, it doesn't just go away. How do you learn to let someone in, when everytime you did before it was only a regret. How do two people work when they have the same issues? Does it make sense that we'd understand each other, or make sense that we're terrible for each other. who knows. I can preach to the choir and tell him, don't live in the past, but I still think of the past everyday. He can tell me to trust him all he wants, but he doesn't trust me.. so how does this work? Will it? Is it worth it? He said let's just not take it serious, I said that was for the best, I won't take you seriously.. but that's not what he wants.. everyone wants to be taken seriously, even if they're not ready to in return. This is my life, this is me back in a situation with an amazing boy. This is me trying to decide if I want to run for cover or dive back in. This is me hanging from a thread, sink or swim.

My night last night was weird. It went from almost falling asleep watching The Office, to not being able to sit still when the adderal kicked in, to not being able to walk straight when the karkov kicked in... all the way to ending up talking for almost two hours at 6am in a sauna that wasn't on, to falling off a couch all night.. with a bunch of stupid band dude and sibling drama in between. I hate guys that think they're god's gift and they're everything but that. getfuckedab.

PS. OBSESSED WITH THE GAY BLADES

Downloads!-->

The Gay Blades- Why Can't I Grow a Beard?

The Gay Blades- The Cellphone Song

I'm not coming out unless you get some answers soon. If the answers don't come I'll stick to my guns... I'm entitled to this I feel I've overcome getting stepped on and hurt and abused... and it's gonna end bad so I guess I'll just end this now.

bad decisions

Here's a brief summary of the last few days. The days are all running together and I'm trying to keep shit straight. Plus it's just good for me to write. Ps this is what happens when you decide you don't give a fuck about anything anymore.

Friday- Alex's Birthday Party. Drank almost a whole bottle of gin. Was in a room with three ex's, caused a sibling feud, got jealous, hated my life for a hot minute. Almost got left at the party. Managed to get home in a tiny little car with a drunken driver and 5 passengers. Had wrestling matches when we got back to my house, ripped my shirt, have bruises in weird places now.

Saturday- Kathryn's Birthday/Valentine's Day. Went to Kathryn's dads house with Billy, Jordan, Tom, Peewee, Sandy, Rob, and Brian. Drank a lot of jack and coke and played some drinking game we made up, which was so fun. Smoked out of an apple. Passed out in the weight room, woke up in Kathryns bed. Who knows.

Sunday- show at the garage with Tiff and the boys. I really had no fun at that show because I'm just too old to be going to the garage. If you can't smoke somewhere because there's too many kids under 18, yup, too old. Then there was the housewarming party for mike, jack, poitras and kathan. That was sick, so many wonderful faces and so many people being generous to help me kill my liver. Then I spaced out like an hour or so and came to in the mymy van.. On it's way to st paul, singing The Semester. Went to Birdsall's parents huge ass house. Drank more. Went in the sauna with rob, tom, and jordan. Drank more. The rest is a mystery, sort of. Its blotchy.

Monday- I woke up still drunk in some weird attic room that I didn't know existed. Bummed around with the boys all day because I realized I left my car in uptown. Watched 21 grams, peewee made us pasta, watched them practice for a bit. Kathryn came over, we went and got rum. Rum and root beers all night. Watched the boys practice. Went in the sauna with Tom where we concluded the following things; we weren't leaving the sauna til our drinks were gone, and that we are now brother and sister. When we finally left the sauna, well we were very intoxicated. Mikey, Derek, and Tyler came over with a bunch of jag. So hey, why not. Tom passed out. I tried to pass out in the sauna but no one would let me. Haha. Tried to pass out in the living room but people kept waking me up. Ended up staying awake til like 5am.. And now, my car is still in uptown, it's Toms Birthday, and I don't see a good reason to slow down.

Just Right.

All this time I've been looking for something just right. Someone not too cold, not too hot, not too young, not too old, not too egotistical, not too shy, not too talkative, not too quiet. Someone that didn't have too many of the same friends as me, but not somone that didn't know anyone, likes the same things as me but has their own tastes as well, nice but not too nice.. The list could go on, but the point is, I've tried to settle for someone that wasn't right, I've convinced myself that someone who was all wrong for me was the best I would find... but things are looking up, and I'm starting to believe all those people that said I would find better, and I deserved better.

I trapped myself in the past for so long, I am so glad that I'm out of it and though I made a mistake by rebounding straight to Wesley, I feel like that sort of needed to happen. I needed to have somone that I didn't care about to fill the void before I would be able to let myself care about someone again. I'm terrifed and happy at the same time. I don't want to get hurt again. I don't want to let myself fall, I wasn't going to because I know I should have time on my own.. but you can't control timing. I can't just not let myself fall because it's not the right time, their might never be a right time, it could pass me by. I've hung out with Jordan for a week straight, I've come to the conclusion the absolute best way to get to know someone is to hang out with them and their best friend for a week. Think about it, on dates it's awkward and you feel pressured to talk about the right thing and blah blah I usually end up not acting like myself just because it's so awkward. People aren't fake in front of their best friend, and if I can let someone stay with me for a week and then wish they were still here when they leave, well that's a great thing. I get sick of people before they can even finish saying their name. So fuck it, I'm jumping because it feels "just right."

I'm going to try hard to start updating this regularly again. I lost touch for a hot minute.

Untitled from tom on Vimeo.




Untitled from Bing T on Vimeo.

In the worst kind of way

Where to go from here...

the world fell down and I just let it crash.. and you told me you never wanted it to fall, but you were there when it started to break, you watched it fall, you were gone when I had to pick up the pieces. And you claim you've been here all along. I knew you were. I knew you were.. but why didn't you answer the phone. You were never here. Dial tones and static. Leave me a wonderful and exciting message and I'll never get back to you. 

I never wanted you to know. Telling you what I never wanted to say made me listen to what I always wanted to hear. Someday things will be different, you'll see, someday I'll really leave you, but I don't want to tonight. You need me too much.

DOWNLOAD-> BRIGHTWOOD

don't tempt me.

I find comfort in discomfort. I'm used to this mess, I don't know what I'd do if things were in order and everything made sense. I'm comfortable in Jack and Andrew's dirty messy apartment, I've lived in this mess before, I would do it again. I'm an addict to addictions, caught up in being caught up.. Happy being unhappy. Life wasn't meant to be the same thing everyday, the things that stay the same are the things I keep there. Things repeat themselves because I want them repeated, because second, third, sixth chances are there, so take them. Chances are like drinks, you will only turn them down if you're sick, but once you're alright you'll gladly warm your stomach. So pour me a glass, I'm begging you to impair my judgement.