so the saying goes..

"If you love something let it go, if it comes back love it forever."

He always comes back.
I'll keep letting go til you're ready to hold on.

this is another drunken post.

Lets just say I'm happy.

I'll always save you.
My best friend will always help me. I'll always help her. "In all this chaos we found safety." Love is.. Love is being there. Love is understanding.

oh so typical.

My skin won't stop peeling, metaphorically and physically.
I got burned bad last week for being stupid and tanning twice ine one day. I got burned the last year of my life for being stupid too. Now I'm shedding my skin of it all. Underneath all the damage my skin is new and clean, free of fingerprints I never thought would leave.

I live in metaphors.

the new me

At work my favorite chef has been referring to me as "new Mady." I like that, a lot. I really do feel like since last year I've become a new person, and it's not just the hair. New Mady doesn't take shit from anyone, new Mady is one of the best damn servers at Wasabi, I'm motivated, I don't concern myself with things I can't have, I'm selfish when I should be, selfless when I should be, I'm happy.. about the right things. My life is so simple now, and I only keep pushing for simplicity. I don't want complication or altercations or frustration. I like a clean house, a clean concious, and for everything to feel in sync.

My best friend is home in one week. I couldn't be happier.

I traded my skin for cheap sex and tattoos.

Why I keep trying to give people chances is beyond me. For one minute, I felt like this was genuine, I let that minute take me over. I guess I thought:
I've done nothing but look past this kid, doubt him, have no trust in him, expect nothing from him, play games with him, ditch him, listen to all the trash talk.. But maybe I was wrong. Maybe it's the person you least expect who will sweep you off your feet. Maybe we could prove them all wrong. Maybe I'm what he needs. Maybe if he really wants me to be his girlfriend, then maybe he's legit. Maybe, I could be happy. Maybe, maybe I should give him a chance. Yes all this went through my head, and in that minute, I said yes.

All those thoughts are haunting me now.

Maybe, there's no such thing as maybe. Just reality, and it only took me two days to fall back to it. So much for proving them wrong, you proved them all right. You say you wanna change? Well stop running from your problems between reno and minneapolis, No matter where you run, you'll keep running into yourself.

you are my sunshine.

I stopped caring about this blog a while ago. I've been uninspired. This weekend was great, and now I start working at wasabi again tomorrow, and I'm excited.

Friday was the AP Tour at Station 4 with Tiff. I drank way way too much on an empty stomach. This had its advantages and diadvantages.
Advantages.. Having no fear of talking to a certain boy in a certain band and ending up hanging out with him. Dance party. Making friends with Vito, who was the shit, free shorts, and I was able to tolerate that everyone was younger than me.
Disadvantages... not realizing how drunk I was til I got off the bus, (thank god I wasn't that drunk ON the bus though) puking, vito holding my hair back, yelling things, puking, more puking, tiff filming me, puking at every stop light, passing out in tiff's bathroom.
The ending was a bummer. But it could have been a lot worse. Pretty sure tiff and vito were the only ones that witnessed my downfall. Either way, whatever, I rarely get sick drunk. Everyone has their night. I'm aloud one every 3 months.
Saturday was This Providence and Copeland at The Varsity (which just got remodeled & is sooo sick). I was so hungover though that I fell asleep before the show and was late. Missed half of TP's set.. But parked in front, ran in, moved straight to the front in time for 'sand in your shoes' acoustic. Score. Love them.. But for whatever reason the crowd was so unresponsive. Everyone was just standing there, awkward.
Same deal for Copeland, so I just walked right to front and center again. It was like no one even cared, so weird. It's fucking Copeland!? I felt like I was the only person even singing.. I don't get it. But I enjoyed the set. Mostly new songs, and no California :( but I mean really, I can't complain, it's Copeland, it was free, I was like 5 feet from aaron. Plus, 'brightest' and 'testing the strong ones' were the encore songs. Amazing.
After the show was over, I said some hello's, talked to d.blaise for a hot minute and just headed to Joe's.. Where he caught me completely off guard and asked me to be his girlfriend.

Andddd that's the story so far.

=)

the death of me

Everytime I seem to tell myself 'I've never felt so lost..' I always seem to top it the next year. As much as I love being a lost soul, sometimes I just want to feel found.
I can't wait until it gets warmer out, everything seems better when the sun shines. Even if it isn't. Margot is coming home next month, I guess that's the one thing I have to look forward to. And Joe gets home tomorrow, I'm excited about that. He's truly one of the few genuine people I know.
I've been emailing a lot with my step-ex-grandma (yea wrap your head around that) from San Diego. She's always been a push my whole life to do things right, so far I've done everything wrong. She wants to help me out, that's nice because my parents really don't give a shit about me anymore. If I can't pull my act together by summer I'm going to move with her. It won't be for my happiness, I love minneapolis, it will be to get my life in line. I know she will make me go to school and not get drunk 5 nights a week.
I woke up Monday morning and didn't know where the whole last week of my life went.. That's when I knew shit wasn't okay. Went to Wisconsin for the day, my sister makes me feel better always. Just being with her, she doesn't have to do anything.. She's me 5 years ago. She's still naiive.

Fml.